Christian Neal, Stonepoint Member
I think it would be really easy for me to write another blog post about all the cool things I’m doing with God and neglect the fact that I’m falling apart on the inside.
I don’t mean to discourage anyone. And maybe I’m not the only one behind a closed door wondering if I even know Jesus and walk with Him when I battle impure thoughts daily and I become angry or anxious on a daily basis as well.
I probably shouldn’t be wrestling with these things on the day before Easter. “Easter is supposed to be a celebration,” you may say. And perhaps I’ve kinda lost focus. But when many people around me seem to make Easter into a list of things to do and not do… I’m almost left wondering what’s wrong with me.
I really don’t want to hide behind closed doors to hide the depression I feel, or the anger I stuff down inside. But, at the same time, I’d really like for you to like me—for everyone to like me. And if I let my real self out… well, what happens then?
Like Paul Abel said last week at church when he shared his testimony—trying to play the “Christian game” (no pun intended, haha) is miserable and draining. How do I be authentic, truly be real, and let God move in my life to actually know Him, rather than be a Pharisee and do all these things to be good enough for God—and good enough for others? I’m not really sure of the answer.
But I really need Your help, God. I don’t want to act in front of people anymore. (I have a long way to go, but at least I can start here.) I would like somehow to be able to love the people around me, but at the same time, I don’t want to put up a façade to where people think that I’ve got it all together.
I’m pretty much rambling. But, I think core value #1 in our Journey Group has really been on my mind lately: Abide Daily. John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
I’m beginning to find myself in God’s presence with open hands. That’s what my spiritual mom encouraged me to do. She suggested I open up my hands and lay down my will, my plans and ambitions before God, and let Him put in my hands what He would have me to do. It makes sense God would lead me to do this, since I struggle with being in control of everything—every situation and everyone around me. (Which is why I try to impress people all the time, so that they can like me and I can control what they think about me. Yeah…that doesn’t work out very well, but in my mind supposedly it does.)
I was sitting in His presence one day with my hands opened up, and I was having a hard time letting go. I really do have a hard time with that often. But then God’s still, small voice spoke to me. He showed me that, when my hands are open and not holding on to anything else, now there is room for God’s hands to hold mine. When I try to hold on to things with all my might, there’s no room for God to hold my hands. Jesus, please help me to open my hands up to let you hold me.